Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
