i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
