closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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