Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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