god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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