I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
