A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
