Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
