I am puke
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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