I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
