Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
