he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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