highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
