It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He better not be in your backpack
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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