There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
