I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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