Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
