I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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