just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
