life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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