god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
