yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
