i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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