She is in my trunk
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
