I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
