She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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