if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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