Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
