You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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