I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
