remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
