My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
