so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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