I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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