Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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