Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
