please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
