So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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