my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
