dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
