Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
