I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
