we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
