Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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