At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
