There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
