I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
