The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
