you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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