i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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